I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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