If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
