I hate your face
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
