i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
