Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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