she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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