my phone needs a breathalizer
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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