Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
There's even glitter on my cock...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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