If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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