I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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