I think I won the penis lottery.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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