he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
