you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
