i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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