How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
