I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
