I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You're like the curious george of whores
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
