the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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