i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
