it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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