i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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