I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
