I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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