I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
