She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
