There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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