we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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