And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
