I could make wine with my vomit
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
