If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My bed smells like the plague
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
