My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
