I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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