On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
