he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
