Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
