my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
