is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
