I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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