o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
