I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
