Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
