I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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