You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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