Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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