Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You ate ashes out of my bong
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
