in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
