Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
