does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
