I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
