Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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