I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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